This is a question I ask myself time and again. I think I do but I don’t know I do.
I’ve always been a happy guy and I have always enjoyed making people laugh, whether in the form of a cheap laugh at my own expense, or someone else’s. I have always been a sarcastic little shit and I’ve always enjoyed treading that fine line of being threatened with and actually being on the receiving end of physical violence (fortunately always being on the side of the former). “Your lip is going to get you into trouble some day Matthew” mum told me on a regular basis.
I remember one parent’s evening at secondary school (which filled mum with dread as usual) my chemistry teacher Mr Ryan said “Mrs Baker, Matthew is a really great and likeable lad, and if there was a prize for class clown, he would win hands down, but unfortunately there isn’t one.” I wasn’t one of these guys who hated school, but I wasn’t someone who loved it either. To me it was a social life with side salad of education . I got 1 A, 3 B’s, 5 C’s and a D at GCSE level, which by secondary school standards isn’t bad at all. But by Lancaster Royal Grammar School standards it wasn’t up to scratch with the majority able to spell ABBA and a popular roadside recovery service with their results. Naturally I got a bollocking as we digested my prized 10 letters over a coffee at Nero’s.
Having changed schools to do my A-Levels and achieving below par results it was time for university. A three year slog and out I popped with a 2.1 in Finance and a few months after graduating, I accepted a job at a bank and began what I thought was going to be interesting and testing work… It definitely wasn’t.
It was coming up to my two year ‘anniversary’ at work and being told that my performance wasn’t good enough and I was going to be rated a ‘4’ at year end (the grading scale was 1-5… 1 – You’re nose is nice and brown and 5 your nose is in the centre of management’s dart board) I made my decision to hand my notice in. A lot of thought went in to it and I decided that I’m too young to be in a job that I hate and taking orders from someone who I didn’t like.
“Matthew you’re a smart guy, you could have really turned this around…”
I know, and no thank you.
I guess being in a job that you have no passion for whilst still struggling to come to terms with the loss of a loved one is a toxic combination for one’s psyche. The crushing weight of negative thoughts really began to build and create what I can only believe is described as ‘depression’. In November I opened up to Jayne and my friend Gary about these thoughts. Some of these thoughts were suicidal and some days I didn’t want to be alive anymore. The anger shown by both made me realise that I have plenty to live for. I know my mum would turn in her grave at the thought of me thinking this way, and I remember her saying when she was alive that she would kill me herself if I ever thought this way.
(I really hope talking about this subject won’t put people off my blog/make people pity me/make people treat me any differently to how they have previously. I am enjoying this medium of expression, and I truly believe that a problem shared is a problem halved.)
Over the past month I have recovered that deep sense of happiness and I believe I have a more optimistic outlook on life. I have also decided to focus more on my passion for cooking and I’m going to try and turn this pastime into a street food venture.
Mid-January I took part in a 4 day business course run by the Prince’s Trust and I would say it was hands down more informative, interesting and worthwhile than my degree. I am now in the process of compiling a business plan and researching all the rules and regulations involved with the street food sector.
It’s all very daunting and the idea of even starting has kept me awake at night.
‘How much is that going to cost?’ ‘should I use gas or electricity?’ ‘how do I market my product?’ ‘should I have a van or a stall?’
Next Friday I have managed to organise a phone call with the the co-owner of Pizza Pilgrims, which is something I’m quite nervous about but I’m also excited to have the opportunity to pick the brains of someone who has probably encountered and overcome some or all of these concerns.
(If you are in London and get a chance, go get a pizza from them, hands down the best I have ever tasted. Last time I was in the city I visited them twice in 3 days!)
This is part of the reason why I won’t be playing the UKIPT Dublin main event next week as I want to finish up this plan and prepare a list of questions to ask Thom. Although I’m not firing €1100 at the main, I will make a go at defending my title in the PLO tournament and hopefully add another spade to my trophy cabinet (messy desk).
Do I have depression?
I have definitely did have but don’t think I do now. I have a lot in my life not to be depressed about, focussing on that has helped me return to happy Matthew and it’s the only Matthew I want to be.
PokerFoodLife 